sin is sin baby.

This past year I have experienced the most undisciplined, unwise, inconsistent, uninvested, invulnerable, uninspired version of myself.

I would like to note that while this has been the majority been the last 3-4ish months, it was the lens through which I looked at my ENTIRE year as I cried last night about how stupid I’ve been and how much time I’ve wasted. I was overcome with how largely God has moved this year, how many very specific prayers were answered and just how little I, Lydia, had achieved. How dare I fall short of my Creator. Idiot. Per usual, after some moments of self-loathing, I was confronted with just how ridiculous I am.

I was reminded of something the Holy Spirit shared with me early this year. I cannot micromanage mercy. Mercy, by definition, is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within ones power to punish or to harm. My very existence as sinful human put’s me at God’s mercy. My inadequate few months renders me the same sinful human. The same sinful, stupid human who went from living on hope to doubly employed, living in a dream space, loved and supported in ways she only dreamed of, healthy and alive in a pandemic. With this clarity, I was reminded of the duality of this year as I have also experienced the most disciplined, wise, consistent, invested, vulnerable and inspired version of myself.

We can’t micromanage mercy. As we all set our 2021 goals (I still can’t believe I’m typing that), let 2020 ALWAYS serve as a reminder that our breath and our time are solely a result of God’s mercy and that we are not at liberty to micromanage it. Happy New Year’s Eve ✨ kk. byeee.