i’ll never be ready, a journal entry

written in the dark, on a mattress, on the floor somewhere on Grace St-- 4/27/2019

I am a perfectionist.

I don’t like to fail and I DEFINITELY, up until recently, didn’t believe in failing in public. Even as a baby, I practiced my walking in private. Showed up to my first birthday party walking with no teeter period witnessed by my family.

I have been writing in private for years and the past year I have begun writing with real intention. Said intention being to share it publicly. That said, here we are! I have finally chosen to stop being disobedient. Yay! I have had some varying spectrum of incredible experiences and have learned a lot in my short life. I have always regularly felt, old, alone, under served and misunderstood and I am JUST understanding the tremendous gift that my perceived suffering has given me. While I plan to fully unpack a lot of my crap in public PLEASE know this is not something I came to at a polite stroll. Perfectionist. Remember? How could I possibly have words of wisdom or anything to share when I have yet to reach my idea of perfect pasture on which to speak? I am still wrapping my mind around how I could possibly have anything to say when I have not fully made my way out of certain habits, problematic thought patterns and just some truly emotional, fleshy tom-foolery. Then I remember...

I WILL NEVER BE READY.

If I wait til I, whoever in the world I think I am to have a say, think I’m ready not only will the rocks cry out for me but I will be dead and will have wasted my time here with no fruit to show for a life lived. How DUMB would I look then?! Not to mention, The Word says, “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.” I know that death to self means life in Christ Jesus and I am done trying to preserve my life.

I cannot expect to conquer strongholds and generational curses without testifying. No matter how “delivered” I feel from them. Our struggle as followers of Christ is meant to be significant to far more than just ourselves. They are not just tokens of the past. If that were the case would we still be talking about the brutal beating and crucifixion of Jesus Christ? If the details of His struggle were unimportant I’m sure it would’ve been left out of the biblical narrative. We would’ve gotten a nice, “Jesus was crucified” and moved on to the good part. Jesus clearly showed us the impact of public suffering at the demonstration on the cross and I don’t have any plans to pick and choose which of Jesus’ ways I chose to follow. His life was His testimony and I plan to follow suit in word and in deed. Ready or not.

kk. byyeee.