micromanaging mercy.

This past Wednesday I was feeling incredibly unvaluable.

The past month I have steadily been applying for jobs and trying to get ahead of shifts that I know are happening soon, while also trying to take survey of my community and what opportunities I could potentially create for myself. While doing this, I regularly take stock of the things I have accomplished, the many abilities I have and what I have to offer. This day I was having a really hard time finding value in any of it. This would then lead me down the rabbit hole of the thoughts I have of how I often feel unvaluable to people, of how I haven’t achieved anything that matters enough for me to be proud of nonetheless to be celebrated by others, and the question of, “ How could I possibly vouch for myself when I don’t even know that I fully believe that I’m that great?”. Unfortunately, after checking the calendar I couldn’t blame this random emotional episode on PMS so I had to feel my feels and do some digging...I’m still digging friends lol.

HOWEVER, will say, that a few days prior to this episode I had finally decided to fully let go of some concerns and anxieties that I knew were beyond me, some of which were work related. I can’t micromanage mercy. Mercy, being the only way I have the chance to live a life fulfilled, I figured I’d just let some things go. Handed them, to my only qualifier, and here I am once again analyzing all that makes me feel unqualified. (This caption is going on forever so...) This to say, AWARENESS friends, is the name of the game. Introspection. I recognize that to my Father I am invaluable and that my calculation of myself will always be skewed through the lense of my sin. Knowing that my glasses will always be a little blurry, makes me focus a little harder on the smaller things. Not allowing them so go unnoticed. Stepping a little closer to see more clearly. Should I have allowed these emotions to sway me. To overtake me with out recognizing the timing and the distraction for what it is would’ve led me back to worthless work.